R. I. P.

Reporting from the front lines in the culture wars, I have some sad news: Uncle Sam is dead. That kind and peace-loving gentleman was strangled by the burly hands of a white Southern oaf who took offense at the idea that we are all one nation, a common people with a shared destiny and values. 

The old fellow, who cut his teeth on those principles in two World Wars, was surprised by the assault and unable to defend himself, thinking his beliefs were held by all Americans, including the moron who strangled him while mumbling something incoherent about "socialism."