I was about 12. My father worked at Logistics Command at WPAFB. There was a cassette tape circulating there, of all places, he brought home criticizing our involvement in Vietnam, based on cultural knowledge. I don't remember specifics, but it argued we had no idea what the fuck we were doing. Dad had concluded, I believe, that Dayton might be the Siberia of the Air Force. Step on the wrong toes in Washington and there you go. The base, in any case, was impressive. SAC. The whole package.
He said they got some brilliant people. He wondered what they were doing there. I thought there might be a hierarchy of Siberias. Anyway, I was an instinctively conservative kid but I wasn't stupid. The info in the cassette made me mad. And made me a lifelong liberal though I was a preservationist, interested in the old ways and cultural continuity. So, a weird mix. I would have identified as a Democrat because of Kennedy. I stayed a Latin Mass sort of preservationist but never bought the broad brush.
Not after that cassette. I always wanted to look deeper. I mistrusted positions backed by enthusiasm and emotional appeal. I was highly sensitive about unloading, putting your baggage on someone else and lighting them on fire. It infuriates me. I don't know where that came from. Again, I was 12. My rust-belt city was beginning to fail. The Catholic Church threw out Gregorian Chant for the most insipid guitar music I've ever heard. I remember arguing in grade school that the National Guardsmen at Kent State needed to be looked at, that they couldn't be that different from the students. They never should have been in the situation and something went terribly wrong. I never said I was normal.
Probably a neurotic kid. I felt incredibly alone. Maybe every kid does, in their individual way. I disliked Nixon. More confusion. I couldn't understand how he got elected, but when he got caught I said we needed to own our role in it. We elected the fucker. Who did we think it reflected on? He won, a real landslide. A super-humongous, incredible, never-before-seen or to-be-repeated landslide by a certain standard. But, no, we needed to feel better about ourselves by making a bonfire out of Nixon.
So I'm dying these days. Unloading is the new America. Bonfires worldwide. Rampant vanity, and blow-the-curve unloading. We've always done it but more in a childish, innocent, positive, rah-rah, everybody-look-how-great-we-are kind of way. Now it's fucking horrible. Worst unloading I've ever seen. Calvinist, witch-hunt shit. Life-hating shit. Kill the messenger, his entire family, and blow his country to bits shit. And why? Did somebody hurt out feelings? Awwww. We hurt our own feelings. Sensed an end to a certain kind of America, the childish kind, and threw a fucking tantrum not wanting to grow up.
We're stuck in a frat house phase. Another thing, I evolved an attitude about the south. Confusion again, bordering on bigotry. To my Catholic sensibilities something was wrong. I didn't like how southerners, like Johnson, for example, presented. I saw the preachers on TV, whenever that started, and thought, they call this religion? Again, enthusiasm concerned me. Unloading, self-righteousness and a lack of balance concerned me. And, in this puritanical context, their women went to church looking like prostitutes.
Confusing! I ended up living in the south. My assessment has been solidified. I understand now why the women dress that way and the makeup. I read books on it, by southern women. It's an expression of white male power. Of privilege. They don't work in the fields! You want to be as obviously, pretentiously far from that as possible. I wonder why. Somebody was happily working there on their behalf, we're told, and being treated very well. That's unloading at a structural level. Ask black people. They know.