Ted Cruz, you must abandon your iPhone. Burn it like a Beatles record. It's the only way to ensure you aren't implicated in the horror of homosexuality.
And, my God, think of all the other stuff you're implicated in, livin' in the USA, this place which you declare to be both God's chosen country and a pit of sin. Talk about cognitive dissonance.
Where can you go, Ted, and see your values, your own moral purity and excellence, embodied in the society at large? You must clearly leave us. We are unworthy. But where will you go?
To the land of Sharia Law? Those people take their morality really seriously. They insist that it be embodied in the State. Oh, wait, I forgot, wrong morality. They're all doomed to Hell.
Ted, it's a dilemma. Only in relatively free, pluralistic societies is your religion the dominant one. Hold on, there's Vatican City! No, sorry, they're all going to Hell as well, the idolaters. Damn, it's a tough nut.
Oh, shit, I used a swear word. Did it again. Anyway, you must clearly go and leave the planet and be with Jesus, maybe move to Oregon and get euthanized. But your values don't permit it. Eureka, the army!
You join and volunteer for the most dangerous duty. You supported all that anyhow, the militarism. You can die and go to Jesus while fighting against rampaging Muslims and Sharia Law and all that shit.
And good luck to you, on the front lines in Iraq or wherever. I know you will be a brave dude and do your country proud. It can't be any worse than butting heads with the Democrats day and night.
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