The Purple Cow Car Wash and Salvation Station

Wow. I just put a new business plan on KOCH-STARTER and the money is pouring in.

The idea is to have carwashes where you can simultaneously be baptized, bathed, saved and get a tan. Saved the way they do it at revivals, when you stake your claim to Jesus and are assured of salvation.

It's an environmental initiative. To conserve resources by washing a car and a human in one pass, and baptizing and saving said human from Satan's snares all at once, then drying the car and its owner with special tanning heaters and big fans. You reappear all spiffy and pure out the end of the specially designed building.

Picture the car wash. An anonymous guy on one side at a console, running things, looking through big plate glass windows. Jesus, or a facsimile thereof, in a similar space opposite, blessing people and waving his arms around.

The cars and owners move through, down the middle and out the end, assembly-line style. I picture the owners strapped to or splayed on the roofs of the cars, but there may be a better way.

What's cool about this is the baptismal angle. The salvation angle. Anybody can get a car washed. But you play the soul-cleansing for all it's worth. That it's a bargain because it's permanent.

Because God has taken up residence in your soul through an instantaneous infusion of grace, so it cannot be tainted again. Your soul. Not with God living there.

It makes me crave the cleansing just envisioning it. How reassuring it must be to know with certainty you are on the side of God, until you die. Then you are actually with God.

I can think now of so many remarkable characters in history who have clearly lived with this certainty. Mostly lunatics and fanatics and delusional individuals but that doesn't invalidate anything.

I don't know why not. It seems it should. But I'm trying to run a car wash here. And make some money, as God would surely wish it. And you can't do that with Charles Manson as a model.

Anyway, all this envisioning is helping me refine the design. Cruciform is the obvious choice, as viewed from above, with Jesus and the anonymous operator in the wings. And a nice gabled roof with cathedral ceilings and exposed beams.

We could go Baptist on the decor. Really spartan. Or Catholic. Baroque. Let's do spartan. The whole idea of a single, permanent, life-altering religious experience is way more Protestant. We'll sell indulgences to the Catholics.

And wash their cars, of course. At least they'll go to hell with clean cars, because by grace alone you are saved, not by good works. Look at all those Catholic commentators on FOX NEWS, poor fools.

Good work, indeed, but no ticket to heaven, because all those lies are just lies and sins without the infusion of grace. With it, however, everything you do, irrespective of what you do, is God's work, by definition.

Which is what makes the soul-cleansing such a deal. Such a steal. We'll have Tom DeLay and Ralph Reed there for the grand-opening of our first facility, the pilot project, just to reassure people that character is not an issue.

You will be clean, when we get done with you, no matter what a sleazebag you are. And a sleazebag you can stay. All the way to heaven. The enthusiasm builds within me. I can feel it, the calling, the mission.

The money. The infusion of money. Fuck grace. You see, that's it, right there. You don't have to care, not when you're doing God's work. Nothing else matters. Oh, Lord, bring on the money! See you in heaven!