Friday, December 16, 2022

A New Financial Future

Kevin McCarthy has announced a new, twenty-first century effort to stabilize the world financial system. It will be the best hope since the perfidious Democrats sank the gold standard as part of their plan to destroy America. Democrats hate America, Kevin made sure to remind us. 

Anyway, everything will be based on Trump Trading Cards, with the full faith and credit of Herr Donald, thereby privatizing the money supply and credit markets and eliminating the destabilizing element of political winds, partisan rancor and the incompetence of supposed experts. 

Politicians can never be trusted, Kevin said. Trump will become the world's first trillionaire. But that's incidental. 

Somebody had to do it. Who better to empower? He doesn't need the money, just as when he was president. And look how that worked out. No one else straddles the public and private spheres like Donald, the first billionaire president, now an ex-officio, at-large goodwill ambassador.

Everybody, after all, loves his sense of humor and wonderful friendliness and inclusive nature. Who else understood that only by embracing racists and deploring justice initiatives can you rebalance the world's chakras and attain peace while ensuring inconceivable wealth disparities?

His brilliance is still underestimated, McCarthy asserted in forgiving and patient tones. He had determined Trump to have twice the intellect of Einstein and more innate goodness than any certified llama. He doesn't mean the animal, of course, though Trump is kind of smelly and shaggy.

Financial genius, Ayn Rand acolyte and expert in austerity Paul Ryan will be dragged out of retirement to implement the plan (and to craft another bill to cut taxes on the rich). McCarthy ended his announcement with a chant and by lighting votive candles from the Mar-a-Lago gift shop.

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