An Affidavit

Out of the blue a guy I hadn’t see in more than 40 years called me from our high school reunion. We were friends as kids but he became a bad bully and I switched schools and so on. We hadn’t been friendly, I would say, since we were 16. Anyway, it was hard to tell but the call seemed to be to gloat. He seems to think he has won.

The guy was insanely competitive.

I hated to lose but didn’t get anything out of winning but a mild sense of relief. I’m not sure I even hated losing all that much but adolescent boys, including and especially this guy, would make it unbearable. Winning was everything to (him) them. I beat him at most things, as I remember, and I was, trivially, smart and a bit of a hero in Little League.

He admitted to being envious in the phone call. He had tried twice, both evenings of the reunion, and seemed determined to get me on the phone. I had REALLY stopped "competing" when I was 15. I had huge problems at home and at school and was just trying to survive. I remember being reduced to tears by my "friend" once and he didn’t let up.

I would sign an affidavit now if I could and a stipulation that HE HAS WON. I don’t care. But, I know it wouldn't make a difference. Think of Trump and the Republicans. The point is the cruelty. The point is the experience of actively beating up on people. There is no state or stable situation of victory and domination that will appease them.

My old friend was envious about my parents.

That’s what he said on the phone. They were wonderful people but it didn’t save us from fate. It didn’t save us from the bad luck of sickness and death. This compulsion to win, though, is immune to everything. It’s immune to empathy, understanding, and the possibility and viability of other values, such as compassion and decency.

You can be utterly helpless (I was) and suffering and they will still only want to kick your ass. My ass was already kicked. It didn’t matter. Reality never intrudes on that imperative to dominate and destroy their selected opponents who are conveniently defenseless. Weakness brings out the worst in them. Women and children first.

Not that I perceive women as weak. But, they do. And, their compulsion creates their reality, a fantasy and a delusion in which they can win. It is a setup. They pick on those who are already down or gang-up on you. Egotism runs everything. Most importantly, remember that they will never be satisfied. There is no end-state in security.

They crave the primal, visceral experience of lording it over other people and it is an implacable, irrational need, rooted in their own weakness and fear. Study up on Trump. There is no better example. Anyway, I say, nevertheless, to my old friend, you have won. Send me an affidavit. I will sign it.