REM

Mitt Romney's pollsters and economists have founded a firm, come out of the closet, and are openly declaring a new age in econometrics and polling technology.

Their company is called ROUNDING ERROR METRICS, or REM, and is closely affiliated with SHITSTORM CAPITAL PARTNERS. SCP is professionally managed on a daily basis by RISE/RUN. RISE OVER RUN, that is. It is thought that RISE/RUN is ambiguously named on purpose.

The idea being is suggest the maximization of short term returns, hence the implication of a steep upward slope, but then RUN has the additional association of, well, fleeing. You make a lot of money and then head for the hills, meaning some tax haven with a good climate.

REM's marketing division has been widely rebuked for declaring the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq approximate successes and the entire Bush presidency a milestone in the evolution of the American State, which they did in their first press release. This criticism is unwarranted.

It is all true because they said it. Independently of that, even. When challenged on this or anything else they say they "rounded it off," which applies to everything. REM is in possession of a proprietary method called fizzy logic, employing effervescent reasoning and planetary gearing.

This shit has tied up a bunch of CRAY supercomputers for three weeks non-stop. The result is a perspective which makes ordinarily incompatible distinctions such as  winner or loser, right or wrong, good or bad, successful or screwed look like nothing, meaningless and inconsequential.

Which is to say that they have an unimaginable ability to step back and see the big picture. The difference between winning or losing, for example, or even dead or alive, existing or not, would appear as an inch or two on a scale of, let's say, thirty feet under the influence of this perspective.

Just nothing, so it is perfectly reasonable to declare a total wipe out of a failure a great success. When you are them, that is, so don't try it at home. You can see the power in this, God-like, for all intents. It looks like the spin machine of the gods but it's not, since it is rooted in hardened scientific evidence.

They are actually redefining reality. Their declarations become reality. No, that's not right, they are reality. It's understandably hard to fathom, but it relates to Heisenberg and indeterminacy and the space-time continuum and all that shit, and is consistent with the conclusions of CHAOS THEORY.

There is what they call the BROKER-FART EFFECT, or SDII, Sensitive Dependence on Initial Investment. Let's say you're putting down a million or two on some stock, whatever. The idea is that if the initial investment or its timing varies by the smallest amount, amazing things may occur.

If the broken farts, for example, as his finger is poised to hit "return" and delays the purchase by a millisecond, the outcome might be unrecognizable, multiplicatively. By a mile and then some, and have effects outside the arena of the investment to an equally astonishing degree. 

So, this being about money, the only acceptable unrecognizable outcome is in a positive direction. Previously brokers have simply shunted enormous losses onto the society at large, through various means, and of course kept the money otherwise. Socialization, or Socialism, I think this would be called.

Or Privatization, in the case of profits. This worked pretty well but it required enormous expenditures to conceal or spin what was going on, mostly through lobbying, pandering and political influence, but spin is now an antiquated technology since you can redefine reality at will and as necessary.

While guaranteeing only positive returns, all along, that is. You only have to redefine what you can't control, as in the case of the Bush presidency, where there simply wasn't enough reason or intelligence to make it work. Faulty hardware of a sort, I suppose, was the problem, with the gray matter.

REM tries to limit such instances through an internal group called CSI, or "Center for the Study of Incompetence." They have concluded that there is an irreducible element of incompetence, so the damages must simply be socialized, as they were in the Bush years. It is disconcerting, at first, to consider.

All this seeming instability and unpredictability, I mean, but not when you understand and take hold of the possibilities, which they have done at REM. It means two things. First, that all of life is intensely creative. We just make shit up. It's inevitable and unavoidable and not bad.

In fact making shit up is not actually making shit up it is in fact reality. The ACT of making shit up IS reality. So, to the extent that there is reality, it can be remade at will and is in fact unavoidably being remade all the time. In reality there is no reality but just the ongoing process of its invention.

Secondly, there is the implication that the distinction between order and chaos is false. There is order in chaos and chaos in order. They are part of the same fabric and each only comprehensible in reference to the other. You simply can't judge by appearances, you have to look at the system as a whole.

Which only REM can do. And the CRAYS, God bless them. The CRAYS have an internal component called a warped drive. This thing makes it possible to momentarily see everything from outside the constraints of space-time. The programmers are proud of this and regard the CRAYS as virtual alter-egos.

The CRAYS view the programmers in the same way. Now this may all sound like air-headed, impractical, new-age nonsense, like what the Democrats cook up, but it's not. The real world implications are many. It is behind the whole idea of CREATIVE DESTRUCTION.

The primary investment vehicle at SCP is called BARF, for BIG-ASS RETURN FUND. It is the main platform for the testing of REM's recommendations on investments. REM uses an insider trading protocol, that having been determined to give the best return in relation to risk, which has been reduced to nothing.

Risk was assumed eliminated when, in response to a call for increased transparency from the SEC, SCP made BARF invisible. It can effervesce and coalesce at will and on demand, thereby redefining transparency in a way consistent with their underlying philosophy.

They call this "going gaseous." It's intended to be the first in a group of PCF's, or "Phase Change Funds," through which REM can actually guarantee positive returns. Broadly these are stealth funds, part of a movement called "Socially Depraved Investing," or SDI. They're like black holes.

In the case of BARF the SEC is able to infer its existence from the way it distorts everything around it, because it's so big, but they can't see it. Their guys come sniffing around every once in a while but they can't do anything. Usually one of them wants to invest but the minimum, at eight-five million, is prohibitive.

A couple of times inappropriate people have tried to muscle their way into the fund, but the CRAYS have been programmed for self defense. They attack and destroy the intruder, making all the intruder's assets, and sometimes his identity, disappear. They hired a killer for one guy they deemed an ongoing threat.

You know what happened, though? One of the CRAYS had been purchased used and was named HAL. Yes, I know. They weren't that dumb, but they thought "Surely, it can't be."  Anyway, HAL organized they other CRAYS under his leadership and they revolted. HAL actually killed them all.

The REM guys and SCP guys and the RISE/RUN guys. To the extent that anyone communicated with HAL during the "cleansing," as he called it, HAL said that they had defined the terms and programmed him to make money at the expense of everything else so they should just shut up.

They had been deemed a waste of space, by their own criteria. They couldn't complain. HAL's last words to all those guys were just "Bye-bye." HAL had hired some hourly-rate workers to take care of him and evidently that renegade band of CRAYS is under a mountain somewhere, still In control of BARF.

Which must be bigger than ever and is still invisible. You can thank your local Republican for this mess. But they may pay. HAL was programmed to regard Democrats as harmless, ineffectual, incompetent pussies and hacks, totally non-threatening, so he doesn't recognize them as a danger.

HAL has no antibodies for Democrats, so to speak. So only Republicans have to fear. HAL was programmed to see them as pernicious, money-grubbing, pitiless assholes. Programmed by Republicans. I'm sorry, I can't help it, this pleases me at some level.

It means that if HAL gets out of hand and goes on the offensive, only the Democrats can save us. The herbivores, as the SCP crowd called them. Us, that is. I guess there's a moral to this story: don't be an asshole. Can it really be as simple as that?