Send In the Clowns

My new company is called MAL'ZOOKA. It's designed to counter a Republican outfit called KIELBASA. The Republican firm is a reincarnation of a secret group called KILL OBAMA. This name was deemed a little too partisan and outspoken, though nothing else was changed.

But the phonic resonance of the new name with the old warms the hearts of all the original managers, employees and investors. It's deeply associated with the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with them since the thing was incorporated right after the '08 election, that fateful November.

When they felt like an embattled minority defending true American values from the infidels. And the American voters from themselves. And the American State from its duly elected president.

The secret origins of the company name also gave insiders a very special feeling. A bond. I guess that's screwed now that I blabbed it all over the place. I didn't think of that.

People assume there's some fun, phallic thing going on with that name, KIELBASA, since it's mostly run by obviously mojo-challenged white men. There is, however, the usual complement of crazy-ass, right-wing babes employed by the firm, out front, interacting with the public, as in the case of FOX NEWS.

This, by the way, the crazy babes, is how right-wing nutballs reassure potential converts: we've got pussy. Everybody already knows they've got money. And tons of guns, but they need to appeal to adolescent boys before they develop a conscience.

And keep that conscience arrested and inoperable. It's only a nuisance. Sex is the last link. Rachel Maddow can talk sense all she wants, those boys are going to react to a more primal appeal, in the end.

Now in any rational world this effort of theirs, in contradiction of the very office and function of the presidency, would be called treason. But thank God they know better, at KIELBASA.

With that in mind, and like good businessmen and negotiators anywhere, they aim for at least half again what they think they can get, at the outset. To their own surprise they're getting it all.

Who would dream that birtherism, for example, or declaring something as benign as the Affordable Care Act to be the Great Satan, would actually get traction. Unbelievable. God must surely have a hand in it.

So what might appear to be subversion and sedition is in fact morally right and patriotic. We're fortunate that the folks at KIELBASA saw that Obama was a problem before he even became president, before he did anything.

Obama turned out in fact to be a conservative, by any sane measure, but sanity is not their strong suit. So KIELBASA redefined conservatism. They moved the goals entirely off the playing field, since you can't have too much of a good thing, or whatever.

Which really threw the Democrats, since the entire world in which they had previously worked was unrecognizable. The disorientation persists, which is why you only see them walking around bumping into things. This is where I get involved, and my company, in an attempt to draw attention to how incredibly extreme the Republicans are.

We have licensed a device which shoots marshmallows some distance with high accuracy. We're going after them with that, the KIELBASA crowd. This is modeled on those protests which most effectively countered the Westboro Baptist Church, using clowns and kazoos.

Which we will use in addition to the marshmallows. We feel that the marshmallows make a much stronger statement and will help people see that the Republicans are as crazy as Fred Phelps, through the use of incongruity and nonsense.

Or, failing that, to have a lot of fun. Our spies tell us the Republicans intend to use the IRON DOME technology to ward off the marshmallows, at an estimated cost of $30,000 per projectile, which should put a dent in their finances.

Actually, no. I just learned they have found a way to use our tax money to destroy the incoming marshmallows, cunning devils, so we will stage only surprise attacks at selected venues, special forces style.

Worst case, if we encounter real interpersonal hostility, we will roast marshmallows and make s'mores and then go home. Live to fight another day, as they say.

KIELBASA kept the same structure, board of directors and so on, after the rebranding, staffed head to toe with right thinking people and patriots.  Christians and conservatives. Good family-loving types. But they knew they were going to lose their best element, at the national political level, as soon as they took stock.

The College Republicans, I mean. That initial group of guys who changed everything. Rove, Abramoff, Norquist, Atwater, the scorched-earth crowd. Lee is already gone. The others can only last so long. Which brings us back to the problem of recruiting and indoctrination.

The younger guys just don't have the fire, the extreme drive and animosity of the older guys, who came of age when it was uncool to be conservative. Those pioneers, the College Republicans, embraced the contempt and fed on it.

And gave the country the finger in return. The whole world, in fact. Their approach, now fully embraced by the Republican Party, is simply "FUCK YOU." The newer, younger guys have been well chosen from the available pool, but still seem to be missing something, the core of resentment.

Though most were recruited at gun shows and evangelical Christian events, and at gatherings involving target practice at secret firing ranges where they shoot at effigies of their opponents, so they're not exactly lacking in militancy. But it's entry-level stuff, by the standards at KIELBASA.

And we, at MAL'ZOOKA, don't want to push them into full blown fanaticism by challenging them, so it's a fine line we must walk so as not to instill in them the amazing animus of the Atwaterites. The persecution complex. The propensity to attack. The single mindedness. The destructive drive. The utter lack of conscience.

Hence the marshmallows. And the incongruity. In testing the targets have mostly learned to catch the marshmallows in their mouths. This can only be good for us, since a less healthy food is hard to imagine. Or the marshmallows bounce off harmlessly and are eaten by ants.

Please help us with this effort. You may volunteer, or donations are welcome. Of cash or marshmallows. A good time will be had, we promise. The camaraderie is great. And morale is high. You will want to be a part of this.