This is the (satirical/spoof) official reportage and record of the Hillsdale College of Hillsdale, Michigan where we revere the truth above all else and the sayings and insults of Chairman Donald which we carry around in little books in our pockets. Such is our commitment that we explore minutiae of transgression like the appropriateness of pussy-grabbing on the Sabbath. Is this holy, we ask, in the right context and at the right time or less than holy so that should it be avoided on the Sabbath?
We tell you this so you know how sincere we are. We are not splitting hairs but chopping wood and doing the hard work of trying to lead moral, Christian lives while emulating our inspiration and role model, Chairman Donald, whose accomplishments we respect beyond all measure what with all the money and righteous appointments to the Supreme Court such as fellow pussy-grabber traveler Bret Kavanaugh and then submissive cultist Amy Coney Barrett. What models of rectitude!
Not the kind of rectitude Bret and Chairman Donald must have exhibited as part of their pussy-grabbing efforts, meaning they must have had a hard-on. Ha! We got you there, didn't we. That goes to show we have a sense of humor. We are far from up-tight. We intend to change the world and you can't do that if you can't relate to people and have a little fun. And nothing is more fun than making money, by the way, which we embrace as a part of our mission. What's wrong with money?
In the hands of true Christians and followers of Chairman Donald it can only be holy and true. We mean to have influence in the establishment of a blessed, theocratic state, eventually to embrace the world, and that costs money. It's not our fault if some of you don't understand that you belong to Jesus and not yourselves but this is a common misconception that we can and will fix, not to put too fine a point on it. This is why any government not run on God's principles is illegitimate and invalid.
Don't worry about it. Think of Chick-fil-A. Everything will be like that, very tidy, but we'll be able to keep the gays in the closet again where they belong.
'By the people and for the people.' Pshaw! It is 'by God and for God' or it is heretical and an insult to the Creator. Goodbye for now, but we will be back with more important news in the Truth and Record. And remember that God loves you if not as much as us and Chairman Donald and all his children since we are already saved and you might not be. Though, we will bring you around one way or another. God bless!
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