George Bush: Jesus means I can get hundreds of thousands of people killed, displace millions, never suffer any earthly consequences and still go to heaven. Jesus is great.
Ted Cruz: I can spend my life trying to fuck people over and fuck people up and feel wonderful about it. I placed my soul in Jesus's hands. A conscience is superfluous. Life is so much simpler.
Paul Ryan: From my kegger days in college as an Ayn Rand devotee all I wanted was to screw my fellow citizens. Jesus provides cover. As a Catholic it's a little different. I dissociate.
Josh Hawley: I'm a raging theocratic conservative. I had to deceive a bunch of idiot liberals in educational institutions to get where I am. Jesus gave me the strength and perseverance to do that.
Rand Paul: I don't give a shit about Jesus. As a second-generation racist asshole I'm more of a seasoned veteran. I don't wear Jesus on my sleeve but thank God for the idiot Evangelical voters.
Louie Gohmert: I was already stupid and morally blind. I turned to God for reassurance, not to get stupid and morally blind. God made me feel stupid is fine. I never look back.
Paul Gosar: I'm a bit of a psychopath so Jesus was a natural fit for me. Jesus can do no wrong by definition and neither can I since I'm above everyone else and their lives don't matter.
Dick Cheney: Fuck Jesus, but thank God for the moron Jesus voters. You can screw them sideways and they still vote for you and never see the truth. Darth Vader is my avatar. I think it's funny.
Newt Gingrich: I have a vestigial conscience, unlike most Jesus people. I have to improvise to keep it in check. So far, so good. Usually I get a new wife. I'm a Catholic now so more a 'God' person.
Madison Cawthorn: I was plagued by feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. Jesus got me past that. Not the worthlessness, but the feeling. Praise Jesus and pass the ammunition!
No comments:
Post a Comment