The Carbuncle of Truth

I'll admit it, I'm unsympathetic to Republicans. But I do understand. They think it's all about VALUES. They think that you have to have values. It trumps everything. Science, the Rule of Law, Equitable Government, you name it. If you don't have values there's no foundation for anything. 

And Liberals don't have values. They don't have standards. Their idea of inclusion is to lower standards. That works. Lower standards enough and you include everybody. 

And all their experts, Liberal experts, come up with the results they want. Reasons to lower standards. Excuses to lower standards.

Republicans want to raise people up. You do that through deprivation. Through neglect. Suffering is ennobling and motivating. Especially in the formative years. 

It's respectful to let people fend for themselves. You honor their independence, that way. Their autonomy.

Otherwise you have a whole class of people, the poor, who sit around and do nothing and get paid for it. And it goes on for generations. 

That's the job of the rich. By taking care of the poor you inadvertently create a culture of failure. Inculcate failure. Maybe not inadvertently. Stupid Democrats.

So what if people die or get killed, from desperation and deprivation. Or just suffer a lot and worry all the time because they don't have any security. That's not a bad outcome. Nor good, really. It's simply the way the world works. 

Try to circumvent it and you only make it worse. The Liberal elite, university professors, for example, and other eggheads, are too removed from reality to see this obvious truth. As when they want to mess with the free market. You are messing with the laws of nature. It will never work.

And they're mostly on the government dime, those experts and eggheads, insulated from the utter purity and integrity of the private sector, where competition rules. Where they would no doubt get their asses kicked and fail. So they're biased. They just want to keep their easy jobs and comfy lives.

For unbiased opinions you turn to the private sector. Like those white boys who ran the tobacco companies. Not that they didn't know tobacco is addicting as hell, but they see the greater truth, that people make a choice to smoke and deserve whatever happens, as a result. Fuck them, in other words.

The private sector guys have no incentive to lie. Okay, maybe they're paid ten times what they're worth. But they had to compete for that. It's hard getting through Choate or Exeter in one piece. And some massive sunburn on those vacations. And it was tough at Yale when you didn't have the chops to be there in the first place. 

Got in by legacy. Then got a job through a friend of the family. So they won, and nobody can say it wasn't fair. Or they'll call daddy. They get to take whatever they can. That's freedom. That's fairness. In their world. Victors and spoils. Again, fuck you. 

The Republican platform right there in two words. And their foreign policy. So the Liberals go out and get some scientist and he says there's global warming, or some such crap. Obvious nonsense. It's part of their plot to end life on the planet as we know it. 

But they're so removed from reality, or have imbibed their own herbal Kool-Aid, and they believe it. And on this basis they want to fuck with free enterprise. Crazy.

So you nullify it. You deny it. If there were global warming Americans would no longer be able to pursue their common dream, an absolute orgy of consumption. 

Totally irresponsible consumption. The Democrats just want to throw a bunch of sand into that amazing consumption machine. Out of perversion, I suppose. I mean perversity.

It's there somewhere in the Bible, surely. Soaking up the world's resources like a huge belching baby is an essential American value. And God's will. Drill, baby, drill. 

Their cheerleader said that. It's Christian. God gave us the planet for that. Invented America for that. You must not fuck with it. It's our destiny.

But the Republicans understand some things as well so they don't come out and say overtly what they really think, that if you ain't been saved you don't know shit, because they know it sounds bad. 

We're not supposed to have State Religion. Separation and all that. So they talk about values and standards and stuff. Tone it down. Use secular language. Then there's the other Republicans who are just cynical and greedy but that's different. 

Still, even though they've gone secular on the language about values, toned it down, and speak what is obviously true, the idiot Democrats don't get it. They don't see the point about values. The importance of values.

Look at Rush. They say he wouldn't know an honest day's work if it sat on his face and yet he criticizes other people day and night, but he is just frustrated at the incomprehensible ignorance of the Democrats. He feels it so deeply. The tragedy of declining values.

He uses the secular language even, like "idiots" and "morons," in hope the Democrats will come around. He could just give up on them or call them all traitors and fatwa them. Issue an edict on the propriety of their annihilation, that is. Turn the militias loose on them.

But he just disenfranchises them, to the extent that he can, out of compassion. Nullifies elections and stuff. Tries to keep them from voting. To protect our demonic institutions and traditions. I mean democratic. He does it because he cares. 

Anyway, so the Republicans are letting the world in on their secret. To help save the country from the Democrats. And the Democrats from damnation. From perdition. From their own stupidity.

Maybe now the idiot, apostate Liberals will get a clue, when they're confronted with the awesomeness of the secret. Maybe even some Muslims will see the light. This could be a turning point.

It's Rush's carbuncle. The CARBUNCLE OF TRUTH. You see, Rush has this boil on his--well, they won't say out of respect. But they do speculate about which cheek, if that tells you anything. Most say the right one, but that may just be some bias. 

Anyway, somehow this thing knows the truth. Maybe it's just Rush's constitution expressing itself through the boil. No matter. Rush can tell whether something is true or not by the boil. It reacts or looks or feels different, somehow. Hell, maybe it speaks to him. I don't know.

But this is the thing. People with values recognize other people with values and so they have a sort of truth club going. And when someone like Rush is validated by his success and all the money he makes it's obvious beyond doubt that he's the real deal and will speak only the truth. 

And he has the carbuncle which his wife, God bless her, tends every night when they go to bed. I mean, what else would you do? It's an honor, I'm sure.

She's an Addams, you know. A member of one of America's most important families ever. If we weren't already certain Rush was right, that would seal it. She's a cousin of Cousin Itt, they say. They have their pet Addams Family names for one another. Medusa and Groucho.

Their butler is named Lurch, in honor. It's confusing, though, because Rush is always screaming for his lunch, which he just loves. He gets all red and swollen-looking with impatience and then Lurch shows up without his lunch, at which point Rush reaches full boil, so to speak, but they put up with it.

Now the Addams Family is as good as it gets, if you want great lineage in America. Near nobility. Class. Look at how they live. Cultured. Leisured. In a mansion with no visible means of support, a sure sign of God's favor. They take care of the aged parents. There's values for you. Of course Rush is rich as shit. God's approval made manifest.

Back to the boil. Just look at how the Declaration of Independence begins. A criterion for truth. THE criterion for truth. SELF-EVIDENCE. The truth is self-evident or is made self-evident, to non-idiots. 

It expresses itself. Now that should settle it, this statement in our founding documents, if the Democrats weren't so irritatingly obstinate about facts and reason and that rubbish.

Human reason is so weak, so those with values don't go there. To them the truth is MANIFEST. It expresses itself to them. Like a boil popping up out of nowhere. You just have to recognize it for what it is. They know it when they see it. Like socialism and all that shit. If there's any doubt, they turn to Rush. And the boil.

And Rush is manifest as hell. I mean all over the place. There's no denying the man. He's a presence. And he's prescient. But not president. I just liked the way that sounded. Anyway, once you get to the true criterion, self-evidence, all is clear. 

You know the truth. It is made manifest to you and through you. You are free from doubt. And the truth is manifest in and through special people like Rush. Especially them. They're special.

So if one of your guys, like that one president, fucks everything up beyond comprehension, gets hundreds of thousands of people killed and causes untold suffering, you don't worry about it. You still know you're indisputably right. 

That's called faith. It's incredibly comforting. And if you're feeling weak, having a bad day or whatever, you can rely on Rush to know the truth and defend it.

Conversely, the other side, the idiot Democrats, can't be right no matter what they do. Thay're existentially wrong. Like our current president. I can't even speak his name. He was wrong before he even got into office. Before he did anything. 

So if he somehow does good stuff and stops wars and feeds children and shit he's still wrong. In a better world we would impeach his ass. Like the last guy. For lack of values.

It's self-evident and made manifest through the righteous. The truth. Through people with values. Like Tom Delay and that crowd. But to remove all doubt we have Rush's boil. 

Rush himself, I hear, doesn't know how he does it. Why he was chosen. He was going to submit the boil for study but the hospitals are full of heathen and rationalists.

Then he found some medical professionals with good values. Graduates of Patrick Henry. Home schooled before that. They said they could remove the boil and it would continue to function, they thought, because it was on a huge slab of flab. They would then lipo the other, you know, cheek and all would be well. Rush might even look better. Have a better figure.

It all went south, though, in the execution. Evidently Rush kind of exploded. It turns out he was, himself, a kind of boil. They stuck in a needle or scalpel and he blew up like a huge pimple. 

Witnesses, those not too near the blast, said they thought they saw his soul ascend to heaven in an enormous cloud of vaporized pus.

Those right at the scene were slimed bad but they hosed one another off and carried on, considering it an honor to have been present at the ascension. There's a monument planned at the sight. A shrine.

The miraculous boil is presumed lost. Wait, no, the wife has found it, a holy relic, near the site of the explosion. On the slab of flab. Intact. Her uncle, Fester, is there and he's evidently expert at nurturing boils. In the basement of the manse. They take it there.

We are saved from the infidels. The boil lives on. Just need to figure out how to communicate with the thing. Someone, surely, will have the gift. Maybe Wednesday. Or Pugsley. They say they will let us know.

They'll put out a movie, the wife says. ADDAMS FAMILY VALUES, or something like that, which will contain the latest from the boil. They promise. So the faithful will not want for guidance.

But you know how scripts get messed around. So the message may be in code. Ciphered or something. Or code language, anyway. Between the lines. A message for Republicans from the boil. In the movie. Watch for it.